"Emotional Availability": the term gets thrown around a lot, as a desire for what we long for in a romantic partner, in lament for what's missing from an unpleasant relationship, and as an aspiration for personal growth. But what is it? What is it really? And how do we get there?
To me, emotional availability is about the capacity and willingness to experience the full range of emotions with an open heart and an open hand. To feel one's own emotions fully and to make space to empathize with a partner's emotions and sit together. To be willing to face uncomfortable emotions like fear, disappointment, or anger without the need to be reactive or to change them immediately. To be able to experience joy, laughter, and motivation without needing to impulsively chase or cling to the object of those feelings. It's the practice of just being with the feelings.
In a relationship, our levels of emotional availability are tested when one or both of us is upset in some way. It's up to the upset partner to be vulnerable with the upset feelings, letting them show in their purest form, not burying them in denial or addiction, not lashing out from a less vulnerable position like rage, not turning them into projections about the other partner's faults. It's up to the other partner to empathize with the upset partner's emotion, to make space to meet them in it, to not rush to try to defend themself, to apologize, or try to fix the problem.
This kind of emotional availability is a core skill in the Somatica model of repair, which is aimed at learning to understand yourself and your partner in times of conflict, deepening intimacy instead of disconnecting. Conflict resolution, while sometimes important or necessary, isn't even mentioned in the core process, as that is secondary to maintaining an intimate connection of hearts in a relationship. Of the 9-step process, steps 1, 2, 5, and 7 all require practicing attunement to one's own emotions. Steps 3, 4, 6, 8, and 9 require attunement to one's partner. Clearly, the practice requires developing one's emotional availability, and it provides a great framework to develop that in partnership. However, it takes two to tango, and a mutually vulnerable repair process doesn't work if you don't have both parties on-board and committed to it. I'm in the process of robustifying my own relationships by starting conversations around that Somatica model.
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About the Author
I’m a Sex & Relationship Coach trained in the Somatica method. Come work with me to learn and practice skills that help you with dating and building new intimate relationships, spicing up your erotic connections, and deepening the connection you have with your existing lovers or partners.
If you'd like to work with me, feel free to contact me with questions or book a 30 minute consultation call.
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