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Emotionally Balancing A New Relationship

What a thrilling experience, to feel the flood of emotions after a great first date! After we’ve just met someone we’re excited about, we feel on top of the world, and we’re envisioning so many possibilities about the type of relationship we could have together. We like the other person a ton, and they seem to like us just as much. Of course, the experience is just as scary as it is exciting. With strong hope comes the potential for a great amount of disappointment. The more we hope for a beautiful relationship to bloom, the more we’re set up for a let down if that doesn’t happen.


So how do we ride the wave of emotion like a pro surfer? How do we keep our balance, neither losing ourselves to obsession, nor getting overwhelmed by vulnerability and pulling away for fear of getting hurt? It takes the capacity for equanimity - the capacity to experience all of the emotions together and to find peace in the storm through acceptance and openness. Here are a few threads we can follow to start developing that capacity.





Celebrate the Feelings As They Come and Go


What we’re feeling now is part of a flow of emotions that inevitably change over time. It’s tempting, as we feel the highs of a new crush, to think we can somehow preserve this feeling, if we can just do everything well and keep the new relationship on the right track. It’s also tempting to run away physically or emotionally as we fear that this new relationship is too good to be true.


The reality of it is that things will change, one way or the other. Maybe the relationship with this person will last, and maybe it won’t. Either way, the feelings are sure to change - the excitement won’t last forever. If we can embrace this reality, we’ll be ready to both live this experience to the fullest and be ready for the changes when they happen. We can stay thankful for the thrill of the ride, knowing that the roller coaster will end in a few minutes. We can remain open to disappointment, trusting that it won’t break us in the end. Most importantly, we can be open and flexible to making the best of the relationship opportunities that do show up as we learn more through our experiences.



Maintain Perspective


Even as we are having fun fantasizing about the possibilities in the new relationship, it’s important to also remind ourselves of some important considerations for that long term relationship.


How similar is this person in reality to who I hope they are in my fantasy?

When we start dating someone, we never have a complete picture of them. In the excitement, we’re tempted to fill in the blanks with our hopes, desires and fantasies. It takes time and trust before we’re ready to start showing our own less favorable qualities with the other person, so at this point we probably haven’t seen their rough edges yet, either.


It can help us remain in the present if we remind ourselves that there are a lot of things we have yet to find out about this other person. We won’t get so far ahead of ourselves in developing attachments or expectations about this person being someone they’re not.


Will we end up wanting a similar kind of relationship with one another?

As we continue dating and getting to know each other, it will start to become more and more clear what kind of relationship each of us will want with the other. Do we enjoy connecting through our hobbies, through exercising, through movies or music, or through sexuality? Do we desire monogamy or non-monogamy? Are there parts of our lives that we long to build together such as living together, joint property ownership, or having a family? For sure, there will be some differences in what we each desire, and hopefully there will be overlap too.


Reminding ourselves of this future negotiation can help us remember that as exciting as our relationship fantasies are, they may or may not become a reality, and that’s ok. We can be thankful for the excitement of the fantasies in the moment without getting attached to the outcome.


These feelings of love and excitement come from within me.

As we grow infatuated with someone, we can start to feel dependent on the connection with them to provide us with feelings of warmth, affection, and excitement. Particularly in a culture where we romanticize finding “the one”, it’s easy to slip into that mindset of dependence. But in reality, these feelings are coming from within your own heart and mind. For now, this one connection may be evoking those feelings in you, but if this connection were to change or to end, it’s not going to take with it the capacity for you to feel this way. It may take time, healing, and growth, but there will always be an opportunity to move on and find the capacity for love within yourself.



Resilience - The Ability To Be Ok


In Somatica work, we practice developing resilience in preparation for vulnerable and intimate relationships. Resilience comes from being able to love and take care of ourselves when we most need it. We develop the skills to soothe ourselves when we’re upset, to feed ourselves well when we’re hungry, rest well when we’re tired, to vent and regulate when we’re angry. This way, we can trust ourselves to be ok in greater and more challenging situations, including entering relationships with people we feel strong attraction toward and potentially intense attachment.


How do we do it? We have a few practices.


Building Your Resilience Basket is a practice for listing out all of the things you do to take care of yourself, to have fun, and to regulate. You take a look at the different ways each of these activities supports your needs, and you make an action plan for steps you can take to meet those needs when you feel them coming up. The clearer our action plan, the more ready we’ll be to put it into action even when we’re feeling down or unmotivated. The more we do these self-care rituals, the more our habits will continue to support us when we most need them.


Finding Neutral is a meditative practice that we use for finding our emotional center when we feel emotional intensity that we need to settle from. This skill is like a muscle - we’re all born with muscles, but they only get stronger through training. Some people are born with naturally stronger muscles, and some people have the privilege of access to nutrition that makes those muscles more effective. Wherever we’re at, though, we can all benefit from the right training regime, at the right weight that is challenging but not overwhelming. For some, that means practicing finding neutral in a calm setting, while gently exploring slightly provocative thoughts. For others, they’ll be ready to lean into situations that produce intense desire or anger and to practice balancing those emotions while finding neutral.


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About the Author


I’m a Sex & Relationship Coach trained in the Somatica method. Come work with me to learn and practice skills that help you with dating and building new intimate relationships, spicing up your erotic connections, and deepening the connection you have with your existing lovers or partners.


If you'd like to work with me, feel free to contact me with questions or book a 30 minute consultation call.


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