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Is Consent *Actually* Sexy?

At this point in the nationwide conversation about consent, we’ve heard this a million times: “consent is sexy!” That’s a nice ideal to believe in, that consent conversations can be sexy and can lead to great intimate connections… but I've experienced and been witness to a lot of very unsexy attempts at consent conversations. So, I think it's much more fair to say, consent can be sexy, but it really depends on how you do it.


Sexy Consent is a Collaboration, not Permission Seeking


Let's start out the conversation with a distinction, because many of us misunderstand something fundamental about consent: consent is different from seeking permission. Meekly asking for permission usually isn’t sexy. One problem with framing consent as an ask for permission is that it only considers the desires of one person. Imagine saying, “I find you attractive, and I’d like to have sex with you. Is that something you’re ok with?” That doesn’t sound sexy at all.


Compare that framing with this other take on consent: consent is a collaboration. When I first heard those words in the orientation materials for The Bonobo Network (a SF Bay Area play-party club), the whole concept felt illuminated. Every interaction between any two people, sexual or non-sexual, should be this sort of collaboration - to work together to find the ways of interacting that are most mutually desired and mutually beneficial. Think of a Venn diagram of all the things we might do together. There’s a circle of things representing what I’d like to do with you, a circle of things that you’d like to do with me, and it’s a collaboration between the two of us to find out the most fun and exciting things that lie in the intersection of these circles.


To use a non-sexual example, consider that you and I are two strangers who meet over the table at a dinner party. There are a few different ways our conversation could go:


Scenario 1: We end up in polite small talk the whole evening, never touching on anything either of us is passionate about. This scenario sounds a bit unfulfilling to me, though not offensive. We’ve stayed in the Venn diagram intersection, but certainly not explored enough to find the most fun and exciting things there.


Scenario 2: We touch on a topic that I’m excited about that you don’t care about. If I’m not collaborating with you to have a mutually interesting conversation, I could get carried away with this topic and end up talking your ear off for hours. From this scenario, you’ll probably come away from that experience feeling irritated, that I had taken advantage of your time and attention, disregarding your apparent lack of interest. I’ve pulled you out of the intersection of our two circles into an area that’s within my circle but outside of yours.


Scenario 3: We bounce between conversation topics until we find one that we’re both clearly excited about, as evidenced by the emotions we express, and we dive into that topic all evening. We share fascinating anecdotes. We might playfully test the limits of one another’s expertise, asking challenging questions to one another. We enrich one another’s understanding of the topic by exploring the differences in our perspectives and specializations. Clearly, this scenario 3 outcome is the most rewarding and fulfilling. Something to aspire to. It’s what can happen when we successfully do that dance of collaboratively exploring the intersection of our two circles.


So how do we get to scenario 3 in our interactions? It takes some collaborative exploration.



Let’s Make It Sexy!


To me, there’s nothing sexier than being playful with someone I’m attracted to. Being playful together requires being on the same page, and understanding one-another’s communication. How do we get to understanding one-another?


My favorite experience to date in practicing consent negotiations happened during a rope bondage workshop led by instructors Glory and Raven. In the class, they asked us all to pair up with someone we didn’t know and guided us through ways of negotiating consent. First, we practiced communicating “yes” or “no” about casual interactions like a high five or a handshake. Each partner got a chance to practice being the leader and follower with each practice. It was important to practice saying and hearing the word “no” verbally.


From that first step, we moved into more complex forms of consent communication. We practiced saying the word “yes” verbally while communicating with our tone or body language that we were hesitant or unsure, and we practiced picking up on that communication as the receiver. We got into the more complex exercise of manipulating our partner’s body into different positions, e.g. arms out, arms crossed, kneeling down. As they were being manipulated, the follower practiced communicating “yes” or “no” nonverbally.


Afterward, we talked as a group about our experiences in the exercise. Hearing & sharing with each other really helped to create understanding and shared truth amongst the class. It set the expectation that it was welcome and important to be in touch with one another’s experience. When we’re open to express ourselves and open to listen to each other with the primary goal of understanding, we can create shared truth.


To me, shared truth is the foundation of consent. When I ask a question about your feelings or desires, and I’m open to hear the answer whatever it is, I’m communicating to you that your truth matters to me. If I say “I’m so drawn to you right now, and I’d really like to kiss you. Would you like that too?”, and my priority is knowing how you actually feel about it, that can lead to the type of collaboration that creates consent. Depending on the nature of our connection, that question doesn’t always have to be spoken out loud. Just like in the consent practice described above, authentic communication can be verbal or non-verbal. If I can tell that you’re reading my facial expressions well, I can let my desire show in my eyes, and your facial response might let me know whether you share that desire. I can look at your lips and lean in closer to you to make the invitation, and your “yes” or “no” can be communicated by how your body responds, leaning towards me or leaning away. But the communication has to be clear. If I can’t read your nonverbal cues clearly, it would be a mistake to go ahead and kiss you anyway - at that point I might choose to state my desire and ask how you feel verbally.


Consent violations happen when there is a breakdown of the communication that leads to shared truth, and one person proceeds to escalate anyway. That breakdown can be intentional and manipulative, or it can be unintentional, due to a lack of awareness or underdeveloped communication skills. Either way, it’s a problem, and we need to work to avoid it. Let's take a look at some of the challenges we face in avoiding those breakdowns in communication.



Consent Challenges


Nervousness

This one is probably the most common challenge that we all face - intimacy is nerve-wracking! When I’m talking with someone I find attractive, my heart rate goes up, and my emotions get louder with feelings of nervousness and excitement. If I’m about to verbally ask or lean in for a first kiss, the excitement can feel like going 120mph on a motorcycle! Don’t ask me how I know that 😜


So how is nervousness a challenge to consent?  Well, when your own emotions are that loud, it’s quite natural to over-focus on your own experience and have less sensitivity to pick up on cues about the experience of the person you’re with. We can’t have the type of collaborative communication that’s needed for consent when we’re over-focused on only our own experience.


How can we work through nervousness?  If there’s enough interest, I’ll expand on this section with a future post about how to flirt. For now, I’ll just name a few steps we can take.

  • Slow down: Our nervousness and excitement can make us panic or feel the need to rush. That eagernes is a totally normal response to excitement. But if both people are rushing and fumbling through the communication, things can get awkward and uncomfortable quickly. It’s never a bad idea to slow down when you feel yourself getting nervous, and it gives both people a chance to settle and reconnect.

  • Practice Self-Regulation: As we slow down, there are specific things we can practice in our bodies that help us self-regulate, and re-attune.

  • Check in with your body: Notice your breath, notice what you feel in your fingers and toes, and notice any tension in your belly, neck, or face.

  • Stretch: Give your muscles the chance to contract and expand if you notice any tension.

  • Move: If there’s music playing, maybe dance to it a little. You can even invite the other person to stand up with you and move to the music, or if there’s no music just do a little shake and shimmy together to get the jitters out. It always feels good to be a little silly together!

  • Be vulnerable: If you’re feeling nervous or excited, it’s not going to help to try to hide it. Quite frankly, it’s charming when someone has the guts to show their feelings, particularly when those feelings are as vulnerable as nervous excitement. If the other person is attracted to you, your vulnerability might lead to a deeper erotic connection. If not, it could still lead to more understanding and trust. I like to be vulnerable by letting my emotions show on my face and in my eyes, but communicating through facial expression doesn’t come naturally for everyone.

  • Use your words: Another way to be vulnerable is to name your feelings verbally. You can start with a quick question, “I’m feeling a lot right now, may I tell you what I’m feeling?” That question demonstrates that you care about their consent and expresses your desire to have an authentic connection. You can even memorize that sentence if it’s tough to remember while you’re out on a date and already feeling nervous.


Hesitance To Give or Receive A “No”

Another thing that can lead to the breakdown of consent collaboration is people avoiding important questions or speaking the truth, because they’re uncomfortable with hearing or saying “no”. That discomfort could come from several places.


Probably, the most common fear around a “no” comes from potential shame. Shame is the despair that any of us feels when we worry that something is fundamentally wrong with us that makes others not want us. As social creatures that depend on each other for survival, the emotional weight of shame can be on par with the fear of dying. If we have a history of social rejection or of others around us sinking into shame, we can feel a deep habitual fear of triggering shame with a “no”. But a “no” doesn’t have to result in shame. By remaining in authentic connection after communicating a “no”, we can demonstrate to each other that shame isn’t part of the equation.


But even if shame isn’t part of the equation, we could still feel worried about feelings of disappointment. Disappointment hurts! If I express a desire to kiss you, and you say “no”, I’m going to feel disappointed - there’s no avoiding that. Of course we all try to avoid pain. And as social beings, of course we don’t want to cause others pain. We can shift our perspective, though, when we realize that when someone is disappointed about the truth of our desires and boundaries, they are responding to a reality that’s outside of our control. We don’t choose the reality of our own desires and boundaries. We didn’t cause their disappointment. We don’t need to feel guilty for it.


Another issue - giving a clear “no” can feel unsafe if we fear that the receiver might not accept it, pushing past our expressed boundary, or by responding with retaliation. The trust that someone will respect our boundaries has to be built over time, through experience. By seeing how they handle small rejection or disappointment, that allows us to feel trust that they’ll respond well to larger disappointments. I personally appreciate the opportunity to receive a “no”, because it gives me a chance to demonstrate grace and character, and it allows me to build trust with another person.


How to stay in connection after a “no”? In The Bonobo Network, we practice responding to a “no” by saying “thank you for communicating your boundaries,” as a reminder that communication of a boundary benefits both people. Knowing more about someone’s boundaries helps us to collaborate on exploring the intersection of that Venn diagram.


In Somatica, we practice “Offering A Boundary Lovingly”. We recognize that communicating a boundary lovingly can support a relationship to continue happily. The loving communication of a boundary says, “I want to stay with you in this space within my boundaries, because we won’t have a good relationship if we go past my boundaries.” If we were to instead hide our authentic “no” and allow our boundaries to be crossed, at worst we could feel violated or traumatized, but even at best we’d start to build resentment. Any of those outcomes would hurt the relationship. The idea behind loving boundary communication is neatly summed up by this quotation:


“Boundaries are the distance I need to love both you and me at the same time.”

––Prentis Hemphill, @prentishemphill



Of course, there’s also no obligation to stay in connection after a “no”. Maybe the asker isn’t interested in connecting in ways other than they asked for. Or maybe the feelings of disappointment are overwhelming, and the asker needs to pull back and create some distance to handle that disappointment independently. Or maybe the giver of the “no” had to use a lot of effort to express their boundary - maybe expressing boundaries is their growth edge, and they don’t have the capacity to continue to work more on that edge in this connection. These reasons are all ok, and it’s absolutely fine for either person to end the connection and move on.


Any outcome is ok, as long as we respect each other’s autonomy and right to acknowledge their own desires and boundaries.


Continuing Our Conversation


As this post is growing lengthy, I’m going to save the rest of the content for a Part 2 post. For now, we’ll pause the conversation with a quick acknowledgement that consent is a complex topic, and it takes practice to negotiate it well. I hope this post was able to paint a clear picture of what sexy consent negotiations can look like, in addition to realistically acknowledging some of the challenges to getting there and illuminating the path forward.


It’s important to acknowledge this - consent negotiations can feel awkward! Especially when you’re new to communicating desires vulnerably, it can feel uncomfortable. But hopefully we’re all in it to work through that discomfort and to work toward having great consent communication together.


In the Part 2 post, we’ll take a look at how consent collaboration can face extra challenges from gender-based socialization and power imbalances. We’ll also delve into some communication skills and topics for negotiating consent, including important questions to keep in the back of your mind, to ask when the time is right. We’ll take a look at advanced topics like exploring boundaries collaboratively and introducing erotic power dynamics consensually. If you have any questions you’d like me to answer or suggestions for topics to cover, don’t hesitate to leave a comment below or reach out to me directly.


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Acknowledgements


A quick to everyone who provided supportive conversation on this topic and feedback on the writing. It was so valuable!


Thank you to Sarah Belzile, Misha Bonaventura, Glory Dang, Daniel Moreh, Othman Ouenes, Hannah Jelstrom


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About the Author


I’m a Sex & Relationship Coach trained in the Somatica method. Come work with me to learn and practice skills that help you with dating and building new intimate relationships, spicing up your erotic connections, and deepening the connection you have with your existing lovers or partners.


If you'd like to work with me, feel free to contact me with questions or book a 30 minute consultation call.

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